"So I was in this S&M club ...."
I didn't say this, and for the sake of privacy I won't name who did. I don't think it should be something to hide, but I'm talking about a professional situation here and I never can know who might read this. Although we did end up talking for a bit about that club and about heteronormativity in American culture, that is not what I actually want to cover now. As this conversation progressed we started talking about sex in relation to work - as in when is it appropriate or not to bring it up. This is what this post will be about. I don't think the same rules can, or necessarily should apply to all jobs in the same way, so keep in mind that I will only be discussing sex talk in relation to anthropology.
This topic came up because we were discussing, on a very theoretical level, heteronormativity in Western society. Totally normal and valid topic of conversation for a bunch of social scientists. People like us don't just study theory, though, we study people and the things they do. Theory is all fine and well, but it is rather meaningless if it does not relate to society. It shouldn't be surprising then that someone would eventually bring up a lived experience of the topic, but it was. Why? First off, personal experiences are seen by many to be off limits when it comes to sex and alternative lifestyles (I add this in recognition of the fact that even though sex can be associated with things such as we were discussing that doesn't necessitate that it is sexual for all those involved).
The person who uttered the sentence starter from the intro whispered it. They were clearly not sure how I was going to react, but they relaxed as the conversation progressed. I could delve into the the Puritanical threads running through American history, but I won't. I'm going to assume that the type of person who would read this kind of blog either 1. know this already or 2. will be interested enough to go read a histroy book if they aren't. I bring it up simply to acknowledge that this effected the nervousness surrounding the beginning of the conversation. The problem is that it shouldn't. Culturally it shouldn't, but that is a discussion for another day, another blog. On another level, however, it should have even more so not been a problem for a couple of educated, adult, social scientists. I do not feel it is my place to judge, nor did i find anything my colleague said offensive or sensitive. It was a very illuninating conversation.
First, let me say, that I am not bashing my conversation partner. I completely understand and likely would have reacted in the same way - had I even brought it up at all. This is a problem. As soon as natural behaviors (like sex) become taboo, then social science becomes judgemental and incapable of understanding people. Think about it. If behaviors are forbidden to discuss then they can't be studied. If they can't be studied then they can't be understood. If they can't be understood then they can't be addressed. Either to address them as problems, if indeed they are a problem, or to address them as needing of acceptance, if they are not a problem. This doesn't just apply to sex, though I started with it, but it applies to anything and everything that might make someone uncomfortable and that is a part of society. Humans are a diverse and wonderous species.
This is not the first nor the last time the idea of appropriateness of topic arose for me. A fellow student approached me to ask about a conflict they had had with one of their current professors. The student was afriad they had offended their new teacher for asking an "inappropriate" question (it was not a personal question - I asked that first). I was floored. I have not been able to talk to anyone else about what happened in the classroom that day - so admittedly, my information is one sided - but I feel it is worth looking into when a student tells me they are made to feel they need to censor their questions ... how else do people learn after all?
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